My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
You Might Also Like
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
next question.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.