The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
You Might Also Like
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Going to church you guys need anything
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
More like Kate Missington.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.