The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
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If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
How can I say no to this ?
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.