commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
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“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.