Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
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Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.