@druuuck

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

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@PuddingBoobs

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

@robdelaney

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

@justokdane

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

@HomeProbably

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

@_elvishpresley_

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

@thatdutchperson

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

@_Mo_lee_

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

@IfIwassomething

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.