Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
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Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Autocorrect is my menesis
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.