“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
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Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of