@theshantilly
@timdonakowski My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
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@timdonakowski 
@robdelaney Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
@gengen874 OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
@Shimmersteak “I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
@jollyrobber Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
@QwertyJones3 “This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
@Quartzjixler The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
@IamEveryDayPpl Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
@Jennifergr8 God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
@AimeeHelene1 If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!