Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
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When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT