in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
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Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
The future is now.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
In case you needed to hear it: