Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
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my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
#NeverForget
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.