“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
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A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.