Life’s too short to have your shit together.
You Might Also Like
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I need to update my racial profile.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad