My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
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I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Okey dokey.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise