Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
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I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*