Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
You Might Also Like
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist