Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
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12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
#oldknees
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.