*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
You Might Also Like
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.