He-man has a Masters degree
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.