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Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Incredible customer service.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.