Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?