Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
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8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I only eat vegetarians.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
the rocks need my help
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.