My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
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fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.