Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
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Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”