Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
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If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.