EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
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A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Me, in DM rooms…