7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
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And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.