Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
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Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
bro what is going on at twitter
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.