them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
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Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.