When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
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As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL