Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
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Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Ha.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one