When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
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[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter