Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
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You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
the answer was staring at me all along
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.