ugh not again
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Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
How to woo a woman
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.