I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
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The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
This is hilarious….
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Mmmm canned fish.