I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
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Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
This could be us but you eatin’
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom