My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
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Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.