titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
You Might Also Like
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
TODAY
Sign at work today
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
My patience has stretch marks.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol