My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
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cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
fly smarter, not harder
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Childbirth is so beautiful
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”