Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
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I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.