Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
You Might Also Like
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish