The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
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I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”