The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
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Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
the council will decide your fate
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?