My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
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When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Happy birthday to all the women