I’m half potato on my dad’s side
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ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up