im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
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The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg