The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
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Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Still my favourite meme.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Mountain Goat : )
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?