*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
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When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I’m not wrong
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?