Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
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[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in