Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
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Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
eating my hot dog hamburger style
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.