If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
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I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?