If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
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Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.